Muffin in a Minute

My variation on the Muffin in a Minute a’ la Aktins.

Chocolate Muffin

1/4 cup plus one tablespoon of Flax meal (golden is best)

1/2 teaspoon of (FRESH) baking powder

1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon

1 1/2 teaspoons cocoa

1 packet Splenda

1 large egg( just large. Not jumbo, not medium)

1 1/2 tablespoons heavy cream

Mix dry ingredients VERY well in a coffee mug

Beat egg (with much enthusiasm) until homogenized

Add cream to egg and beat even more

Add egg/cream mixture to dry ingredients and mix very well

Microwave for 1 minute.

slice, drizzle with butter and eat. while amazed at the near Chocolate Cake texture. Yum

Inmates running the Asylum

JOE LEGAL vs. JOSE ILLEGAL

You have two families: “Joe Legal” and “Jose
Illegal”.
Both families have two parents, two
children, and live in California .

Joe Legal works in construction, has a
Social Security Number and makes $25.00 per
hour with taxes deducted.

Jose Illegal also works in construction, has
NO Social Security Number, and gets paid
$15.00 cash “under the table”.

Ready? Now pay attention…

Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours =
$1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00 per year.
Now take 30% away for state and federal
taxes; Joe Legal now has $31,231.00.

Jose Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours =
$600.00 per week, or $31,200.00 per year.
Jose Illegal pays no taxes. Jose Illegal now
has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance
with limited coverage for his family at
$600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year.
Joe Legal now has $24,031.00.

Jose Illegal has full medical and dental
coverage through the state and local clinics
at a cost of $0.00 per year. Jose Illegal
still has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal makes too much money and is not
eligible for food stamps or welfare.. Joe
Legal pays $500.00 per month for food, or
$6,000.00 per year. Joe Legal now has
$18,031.00.

Jose Illegal has no documented income and is
eligible for food stamps and welfare. Jose
Illegal still has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200.00 per month,
or $14,400.00 per year. Joe Legal now has
$9,631.00.

Jose Illegal receives a $500.00 per month
federal rent subsidy. Jose Illegal pays out
that $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per
year. Jose Illegal still has $ 31,200.00.

Joe Legal pays $200.00 per month, or
$2,400.00 for life insurance. Joe Legal now
has $7,231.00.

Jose Illegal says, “We don’t need no
stinkin’ insurance!” and still has
$31,200.00.

Joe Legal has to make his $7,231.00 stretch
to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.

Jose Illegal has to make his $31,200.00
stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, and what
he sends out of the country every month.

Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or
gets a part time job after work.

Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to
enjoy with his family.

Joe Legal’s and Jose Illegal’s children both
attend the same school. Joe Legal pays for
his children’s lunches while Jose Illegal’s
children get a government sponsored lunch.
Jose Illegal’s children have an after school
ESL program. Joe Legal’s children go home.

Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the
same police and fire services, but Joe paid
for them and Jose did not pay.

Do you get it, now?
If you vote for or support any politician
that supports illegal aliens …
You are part of the problem!

Hostile Worker Bees

This school year I have noticed an usually high level of hostility from the school office workers, including school prinicpals and the like. The subtext of every single conversation is basically “shut the fuck up and go away”. Conversations are very short, simmering with some sort of impatient rage and very VERY unhelpful.

For instance, this year my youngest wore her blue skinny jeans to school. Now they weren’t denim blue, but kind of a pastel powder blue. Please note that the dress code only specified BLUE. No shade caveats. Just blue.

I get a phone call from a crying, distraught 13 year old that she needs another pair of pants because her jeans are not dress code. I ask why and she said they were the wrong color blue.

Excuse me? The dress code page I PRINTED OUT 30 days before school started has no reference to SHADE of blue. It says all pants must be blue, khaki, grey or black.  I ask to speak to the office worker bee(which turns out to be a very hostile hispanic woman) and she tells me that all jeans must be DENIM BLUE. Uh, that isn’t on the dress code you have POSTED on the school website.

She informs me in the iciest tones that THEY had a school MEETING and INFORMED the students that blue means denim blue. Well happy days. Why the HELL didn’t you tell ME, yanno the one that PURCHASES school clothes? And how about you refunding the $60 bucks those jeans cost because I purchased them based on the FRICKEN POSTED DRESS CODE.

Oh, and when said daughter gets home, she tells me they had to round up 3 teachers to have a quorum to determine if the jeans were the wrong color.

Does anyone see a problem with this? How about the staff err in favor of the CHILD? Since when does school equal a police state? And how does this particular action “promote self esteem and a positive learning environment”? You just criminalized my daughter on the COLOR OF HER JEANS?

How fucked up is that?

A TMI moment

Okay, so I cannot wear nylon clothes. After the years of having unimaginably horrific skin reactions to the material, I have even developed a healthy aversion to it.

Plainly put, if I wear nylon anywhere on my body,  in about 30 minutes I will have raw, weeping sores. Heat rash is what the doc called it. Whatever it really is, its painful and takes weeks to go away. Weeks that I cannot wear clothing over the affected area.

I totally realize that cotton clothes are boring. I have adjusted. Really. However, there are members of my family who don’t remember that most man-made materials(INCLUDING BRAS) will cause terrible, ugly, debilitating reactions.

1) If it is made of nylon, keep walking

2) if it contains latex of any kind that isn’t COVERED, keep walking.

3) If it is shiny or silky, keep walking

Have you ever seen shingles? Well that is what I look like when nylon, latex, rayon, spandex or any other material that is not COTTON, LINEN or WOOL touches my skin.

There are exceptions though. If it is at least 80% cotton, most knits are fine. If I can wear something UNDER It, I can usually manage, but don’t count on it.

Here is an example of my finger that just BRUSHED the elastic waistband of the pants I was wearing. Just so you know, the latex was covered, but the cover was unraveling and I wasn’t aware. I’ll spare you the visual of my side where it is even more inflamed.

Mah Christmas Present

Merry Christmas to me…

Merry Chirstmas to me…

Green Energy Scam

Annoyed much? You bet. For the 3rd time this MONTH another so called “Green Energy *company*” has knocked on my door selling their “clean wind energy”. Funny how the companies names are different but their white and green polo shirts are nearly identical.
Anyway, they want to sell me Green Energy, for only 40% more than my *dirty non-renewable energy*.  I’m sorry, I will not participate in snake oil-greasy-guilt trip that I am using dirty energy. My first question to them(usually its my only question)
“How do you guarentee that I ONLY get the wind power? Are your power lines sequestered?”
This is usually met with a deer-in-headlights stare at me, almost always followed by a stammered
 “uh no, but your helping the environment…” and I cut them off right there with
“If my green energy is not delivered by sequestered lines, how are you PREVENTING the **dirty non-renewable energy** from co-mingling with my very expensive, completely unreliable *green wind energy*?
The second completely flummoxed stare is followed with my response of
“I thought so. Please go away and do not knock on my door again.”

Death of A Hairbrush

You were a good hairbrush. By my side for at least 15 years or so, ever there when all the other hairbrushes would hide amongst the frippery in the makeup drawer. You served me well, never complaining about the times when my hair was so long that it took over an hour to work out the tangles. You smoothed my coif to shiny goodness when it was short enough to just comb with my fingers. Your wooden handle had begun to show age with little nicks and dents in the smooth polish, but you never complained. Your bristles stayed strong and true, unlike other more recent brushes who gave up the fight against wet tangly hair almost before it began.

Even more recently being the chewtoy of an overzealous house pony, you still performed your duties well. I am sorry that the aforementioned dog hurried you to the afterlife(or whereever old brushes go) You didn’t deserve the neglect from me.

You will be remembered for the true hair implement that you were.

Titan the Tremendous

Mel_and_Pup

Recently my oldest adopted a Great Dane.

Now as great danes go, he is a sweetie. Your typical goofy dog that is just too big to be graceful. Unfortunately, since she has a really busy life at the moment, he seems to have become my dog. He has a very gentle temperment, at least, until someone knocks on the door. And then he becomes Titan the Destroyer.

Is it wrong to enjoy watching door to door salesmen flee for their lives? Cause I do

Political Statements

Here’s the deal. I like to watch Movies. I like to listen to music. I like to watch Standup Comedy. However, when said activity blasts me with some sort of political statement, you just lost me. Actors, Singers and Comedians who think to push their particular political opinions on me are, in my opinion, a waste of time.

I want to be entertained, not lectured. I do not choose movies, or singers or comics for their political leanings. In fact, nothing puts me off faster than the “Entitled To Use My Fame To Push My Political Agenda” faster than someone shitting in my lap. Cause basically, that is what it is. To those I am referring to: Entertain me. You are not qualified to lecture me on poliitcs or use your platform to hold me hostage to your political views.

I. Am. Not. Interested.

YOUR political opinion isn’t any more interesting to me than Mary Waitress who slings pizza at Pizza Hut. Just because you have this illusion that you are important because you Star in Movies, Have a Hit Record, Are a clever and funny comedian, It does not give you licence or QUALIFY you to discuss politics.
Sure, you are entitled to your opinion, but likewise, **I** am entitled to live my life without HEARING your opinion.

Got it?

Good.

Valuable Lessions

So I saw a commerical on TV advertising the new Wingstreet, wings delivery now brought to us by the inept crew at Pizza Hut. Well it had been a decade or so since I ordered from Pizza Hut, and hoping against hope they they somehow cleaned up their act and actually learned something about the delivery business, I decided to give it a try. I ordered online via their new online order machine, and waited patiently for my order of “tender juicy wings just like I want them”.

And waited. And waited. And waited some more.

An hour and a half later the delectable morsels of wing goodness arrives. And thats where the fairytale ended.

The wings were so hard and dry that they were inedible. Even the DOG couldn’t chew them. On top of that, I had order fried cheese sticks. Yanno, the chunk of cheese coated in a crispy batter and then jacuzzied in the fat fryer. Well, that wasn’t what I got. I got these long chewy bread things. Just ew.

So I called the restaurant that I ordered from and complained. She OFFERED me a refund. I asked and she CLARIFIED that she would be crediting my CREDIT CART the amount of the wings. Okay fine, I can live with that.

Cut to this week. Today actually. I called and asked what happened to my refund. The new manager(I suspect it was the same one cause they have the same name) said that I have a store credit, that they don’t issue refunds. Well gee, why then, did your “other” manager offer me a refund as a credit to my card?

So I decide to give them one more try. I SPECIFIED that I ordered FRIED CHEESE STICKS, not the cheap cheesy bread. I made her REPEAT it to me THREE TIMES. Apparently that wasn’t enough.

The pizza arrives in a timely fashion, only 35 minutes this time. Only the FRIED CHEESE STICKS I order weren’t there. Oh no, I got that stupid cheesy bread. I told the driver that wasnt what I ordered. So I told the kids NOT to eat the cheesy bread and called the manager. I got the girly that took my order and I asked her to look at what I ordered. Made her read it back to me.  Then I pointed out that was NOT what I recieved. I asked to speak to the manager(heretofore to be known as the Liar) Whilst on hold the kids were complaining about the pizza. It was cold. Hard and Dry.

Plainly put, it was fucking inedible. This time the dog refused it and my dog eats ANYTHING. The girly comes back and tells me the manager can’t come to the phone that they will send out my FRIED cheese sticks. I was floored. The manager REFUSED to come to the phone. I was pissed.

Fast forward to an HOUR later. No cheese sticks. I finally got the manger on the phone and she said the cheese sticks left 30 minutes ago. LIAR!

It takes about 8 minutes in traffic to get from Pizza hut to my house even in heavy traffic and catching all the lights. I absolutely knew that she was lying. And the cheese sticks arrived 15 minutes later, thus proving that she lied. Oh and they were cold and hard too.

The moral of this story is to avoid Pizza Hut at all costs. They Still Have Not Gotten Their Act together, and no amount of online ordering or mobile ordering can fix a problem with their food or their managerial staff.

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